And We Built These Dreams On Sand, Will They All Slip Through Our Hands....

Dreams, they are something that we all have. I'm not talking about those crazy dreams that we have at night and then forget the instant that we wake up while we desperately try to hang on to that last glimmer of happiness in that pain free world. I'm talking about our dreams and hopes that we have in every day life. Some of them fall away and break apart but some of them bring us to the most amazing places. Lately in life I have found that the dreams that I am the most excited about, the ones that seem like they will be perfect are the ones that are falling away and breaking apart at my feet. I don't understand why life is like this right now but I am desperately trying to trust God and keep hanging onto him because I know that if something is supposed to work out then God will make it happen. Knowing this and being able to let go of those dreams that have fallen away and broken are two different things. I have found myself upset at times about what could have been or what I think should have been.

A lot has happened in my life lately and I can't even begin to uunderstand it and that is why I need to trust God but even in my attempt to trust God with all that is going on I still feel helpless. Right now I feel broken, lonely, lost, scared and confused. I don't think I know where to go next so I am doing my best to look to God for direction.

I have noticed that many times in life when someone is going through a hard time people start to pull away from them. These people that pull away aren't bad people, they are just afraid of being around someone that is hurting because it scares them that they might say or do the wrong thing and make it worse. From what I am experiencing right now it hurts a lot more for people to pull away from me when I am having a hard time then if they were to say or do something wrong. I often just want to stand up and tell everyone that yes I am hurting right now but please don't pull away because you don't know what to say or do! Just the fact that you are with me makes getting through this so much easier for me. It takes a lot for a friend to upset me by saying or doing something wrong so please just try to forget about that fear so that whenever anyone in our community is having a hard time we can leave our fear behind us and gather around them in loving support.

I guess that is all I have to say for right now, I started writing this post knowing that I needed to get this point across but I had no idea how I would do it so I guess this will have to do. Everything that I have written here is my personal opinion and it is from my point of view so please use the comments section below this post to let me know what you think.

Cheers.

The Cure Is If You Let In A Little More Love, I Promise You This, A Little's Enough....

My question for today is this:

In a fallen and broken world, is it possible for us to experience pure joy?

Please use the comment section below this post to answer the question and explain your answer.

Cheers

Wake Me Up Inside….

So after being stuck in the hospital in Rosthern for a week and being a bit depressed I am back at Bethany where I have access to the internet and I can post a much needed update to my blog! As I’m sure you can understand, I don’t have anything really exciting to post because hospitals are not the most exciting places in the world. In my previous post I wrote about how I was feeling down and wondering how I went from being happy just over a year ago to feeling like I wanted to give up a few days ago and even though I know that I don’t completely have the answer yet I do know that things have changed. I have experienced loss lately and found myself stuck here wondering about what could have been and in many cases what I believe should have been. I think that even though my week long stay in the hospital ended up putting me a week behind in my homework schedule and made me bored out of my mind it was good because it gave me a lot of time to think through what is going on in my life. I have come to the realization that I need to keep moving forward. I know that it sounds obvious and maybe it is but I guess I needed a week to get to the obvious. After Celeste and I broke up last year I stopped. Looking back it makes sense because after a three year long relationship ends sometimes you need to stop to get everything together again. The problem was that once I did start moving again it seemed like nothing worked out for me anymore. A relationship that I thought would work out failed horribly, and then I got really sick in April of last year and ended up stopping and feeling stuck again. Once again I was stuck in a hospital unable to depend on my own strength to get through each day. Once I managed to convince myself to keep going summer and working at camp came along. Camp was an amazing time for me where I feel like I was able to grow in my relationship with God and also the people I worked with in great ways. When Christina passed away in August I once again lost momentum and felt like I had become stuck. This brings me to now; a time when I feel like I can move on and let go of wondering what could have been had things gone according to plan. I can stop being upset about what should have been and learn to be glad that I still have what is.

I really have no idea if any of this post will make sense to any of you readers out there but I decided to go with it and post it anyway. I don’t know why it took me so long to come to such an obvious realization but it did and now I’m ok with being happy with what is.

If you happen to have any comments on my insane ramblings please feel free to post them. I would love to know what you think!  

I Walk Around Like I’m Alive Again But I Know It’s Just Not The Same….

Written October 28, 2010 (Not Posted Due To Lack Of An Internet Connection)

I’m still stuck in the hospital at this point in my life. The days take forever to pass and then when night and my hopes of losing myself in sleep and maybe peace for a few hours comes I am faced with the same restless anxiety and sleeplessness that I used all of my energy trying to push through during the day. Sleep and peace doesn’t come though, not for me, not right now. As I sit alone in my room wondering how I got from being so happy just over a year ago to wanting to give up now. Yes I know that some really hard stuff has happened over the past year but I thought I should be able to work through it….