No More

I know that it has been a really long time since I have posted on my blog. A big part of the reason that I haven't posted in so long is because I have been feeling confused, lost and very unsure of myself. The other reason as to why I haven't posted is the simple fact that I just haven't known what to say.

In the past while I have been really trying to find happiness and more meaning in my life but up to this point I have failed. I have looked for happiness in a dating relationship and failed to have that relationship work out and in the process I really hurt my friend. I allowed my own self interest to lead myself into a situation where I not only really hurt the relationship with my friend and I but I also hurt myself in the process. Even though I allowed myself to act selfishly in my own self interest while not thinking about how my actions could hurt my friend I mixed good intentions into my selfishness and then allowed myself to become sucked into self pity when even my good intentions were misread.

My other big mistake was allowing myself to believe that my relationship with God was in a good place and that I was continuing to grow in that relationship. As you know believing a lie that your relationship with God is in a good place when it really isn't can lead you into a bad place very quickly.

I allowed myself to believe this lie and it ended up leading to the point where I have come to be very confused, scared and falling into self doubt. Now I am at the point where I almost always feel confused, scared, lost and anxious. This place that I ended up in so quickly is a place that I am now desperate to get away from. I am not completely sure of how I will be able to get myself back to a place where I am in a better and growing relationship with God and feeling confident in myself again.

I don't know how I will repair my relationships with the friends that I hurt through my own self interest and selfishness in this pursuit of happiness. All that I do know is that this is not something that I will be able to do on my own strength but only through the strength of God.

At this point in my life my goal is to be able to repair my relationship with God, continue to grow in that relationship and to rely on God to help me believe the truth that only comes from him and nothing else. I need God's strength and guidance to get back to a stronger relationship with him that continues to grow, to work on repairing the relationships with friends that I have damaged and to get myself to a point where I can see past all of the self doubt, confusion and anxiety that I feel about myself.

I know that these improvements in my life won't happen overnight but I am determined to give everything that I have to God in order to allow him to work in me and effect change in my life. My flesh is weak but I do know that with God all things are possible. I ask for prayer from my friends and family as I work to effect change in my life with God's help.

Cheers.