You Kick Me While I’m Down I’ll Break Your Legs

I know what those of you that are reading this are thinking right now ‘Strange title and this guy hasn’t written a post in a really long time’. Well you are right. It has been way too long since I have written a post on here so here I go….

Lately life has been feeling kinda crazy. It’s not just the crazy that you feel when you are really busy (although since the end of February I have been really busy) but it is the crazy that you feel when everything is well, crazy. As most of my readers know I suffer from a pretty serious medical condition that can sometimes just act up for what seems like no reason and land me in Royal University Hospital for a while. Due to serious complications from my condition last summer, two surgeries and then recovery/getting back on my feet I was unable to do much of anything until February except sit at home and have Social Services and my parents help support me (love you and thank you so much Mom and Dad) I felt like a really big failure. I didn’t really feel very inspired, I didn’t feel like my life was going anywhere and I was feeling depressed about all of it.

The turning point in all of this was when me and my psychologist started making some major progress with the depression and the PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) that I continue to deal with. Yes, I still struggle with feeling depressed about all of it sometimes and I still wake up yelling from nightmares sometimes but there has been a lot of progress as well. There is no way that I can give all of the credit for this progress in my emotional well being to myself and my psychologist. There have been several amazing people in my life that have really been there for me, stuck by me through the bad times and given me a lot of encouragement, support and helped me to take the situation at hand and reminded me to look at it in a positive way.

At the end of February I landed a job as a security guard with Commissionaires and have really done well in that job. At about the same time that I landed that job I also found myself a new roommate that has worked out really well. Then just a few days ago I met an amazing friend (TJ) and we have found that we have been through a lot of the same things in life so we have decided to help each other out as much as possible.

I guess what I am trying to say is that a few months ago I felt like I was completely down and out but I was able to take that situation and change it, learn from it and become a better person because of it. Yes, I did need to seek help to get back on track but for those of you that are reading this I want to let you know that there is no shame in that. If you are feeling down and out right now I want to encourage you by telling you that there is hope (I know everyone says that but it’s true), there is no shame in asking for help and stay determined to turn things around. You will get there.

Cheers.

No More

I know that it has been a really long time since I have posted on my blog. A big part of the reason that I haven't posted in so long is because I have been feeling confused, lost and very unsure of myself. The other reason as to why I haven't posted is the simple fact that I just haven't known what to say.

In the past while I have been really trying to find happiness and more meaning in my life but up to this point I have failed. I have looked for happiness in a dating relationship and failed to have that relationship work out and in the process I really hurt my friend. I allowed my own self interest to lead myself into a situation where I not only really hurt the relationship with my friend and I but I also hurt myself in the process. Even though I allowed myself to act selfishly in my own self interest while not thinking about how my actions could hurt my friend I mixed good intentions into my selfishness and then allowed myself to become sucked into self pity when even my good intentions were misread.

My other big mistake was allowing myself to believe that my relationship with God was in a good place and that I was continuing to grow in that relationship. As you know believing a lie that your relationship with God is in a good place when it really isn't can lead you into a bad place very quickly.

I allowed myself to believe this lie and it ended up leading to the point where I have come to be very confused, scared and falling into self doubt. Now I am at the point where I almost always feel confused, scared, lost and anxious. This place that I ended up in so quickly is a place that I am now desperate to get away from. I am not completely sure of how I will be able to get myself back to a place where I am in a better and growing relationship with God and feeling confident in myself again.

I don't know how I will repair my relationships with the friends that I hurt through my own self interest and selfishness in this pursuit of happiness. All that I do know is that this is not something that I will be able to do on my own strength but only through the strength of God.

At this point in my life my goal is to be able to repair my relationship with God, continue to grow in that relationship and to rely on God to help me believe the truth that only comes from him and nothing else. I need God's strength and guidance to get back to a stronger relationship with him that continues to grow, to work on repairing the relationships with friends that I have damaged and to get myself to a point where I can see past all of the self doubt, confusion and anxiety that I feel about myself.

I know that these improvements in my life won't happen overnight but I am determined to give everything that I have to God in order to allow him to work in me and effect change in my life. My flesh is weak but I do know that with God all things are possible. I ask for prayer from my friends and family as I work to effect change in my life with God's help.

Cheers.