Hope For The Paralyzed

I know I haven’t posted anything since March. I hope that I can blog more regularly throughout the summer. I won’t be working this summer; instead I will be recovering, physically and emotionally. Second semester at school was difficult for me. I often found myself feeling confused and discouraged. There was so much work to be done and trying to cope with my illness, get my homework done and deal with feeling confused and discouraged left me feeling as though I could never catch my breath and like my world was falling down around me. I still often feel this way but I have hope that this summer will be a time when I can heal and begin to understand the place that I am in and rebuild all of those parts of my world, my life that I felt falling down around me. I know that I will need to make changes as I begin to heal. The thought of these changes sometimes leaves me feeling lost and insecure, uncertain of what comes next and wondering if I will be able to make it through this.

Right now the constant struggle to breathe (something I have always taken for granted) is definitely adding to my anxiety. My chest almost always feels like it is about to collapse. This is due to a flash pleural effusion. I was admitted to Rosthern SK Hospital with severe symptoms from my colitis which deteriorated into a colitis attack while I was in emergency as the nurses tried for the ninth time to get an IV line started on me. After they got a line started on me they were able to get the colitis under control fairly quickly. Due to the severe nature of the attack I was hospitalized for a week and given IV fluids and medications. At the end of that week is when the flash pleural edema occurred. I have had to deal with colitis and severe pain for the past ten years and while it can be discouraging, frustrating and scary at times, there is no feeling like having your lungs fill with fluid as you gasp for air and feel like you are drowning. Lucky for me the nurses responded before I needed resuscitation and got me to the ICU. They managed to drain enough of the fluid within two days that I was able to breathe without a full oxygen mask infused with medication to keep my lungs open.

Even though I realize that because of my illness I need help from others to do things that a healthy twenty two year old guy would be able to do on his own but right now I am finding myself frustrated and depressed by how little I am able to do and how much I need to rely on others just to get through one day. I am unable to play bass or drums right now and because of my love of music this is very difficult for me. Even as I type this I find myself frustrated by how difficult it is to type because of how shaky my hands are from my medication.

Through all of this I have really been able to see how blessed I am to have so many people that care about me and are willing to help out when I am unable to do much. I would really like to thank my mom for her willingness to come out to Saskatoon area to help out as I recover. I would also like to thank my dad for his sacrifice of being away from his wife that he clearly loves with all of his heart for the summer and my grandparents for letting us stay at their place until me and my mom can find somewhere else to live for the summer. I would really like to thank all of my friends for their prayers and encouragement through this hard time.

Right now I can’t help but wonder why God has allowed me to have even more health problems to worry about right now and I also find myself wondering why I can’t seem to find him on those long nights when I am awake all night because I am in pain, unable to breathe, feeling anxious and restless. Through my faith and my relationship with him I know that he is here with me through this hard time even when I can’t feel him close to me. I also know that he is not allowing me to suffer for no reason and that something good will come out of this situation even if I can’t see what good could come of this at the moment.

To all that read this please continue to pray and know that I am incredibly grateful for you guys and your love and support. Please also feel free to comment on my posts and share your thoughts on what I have written.   

"In The Hearts Of The Blind Something You'll Never Find Is A Vision Of Light" - Flyleaf     

Cheers.