Frustrations

Most of you that know me are aware that I struggle with a chronic medical condition that causes me to have to deal with pain all day every day. Right now my condition has been flaring up a lot and it has been very difficult for me to see how all of these hospital stays can do anything but make focusing on the rest of my life and my studies at Bethany College harder for me. When my condition does flare up I need to deal with more pain than I would on a normal day and it has been a challenge for me to stay positive through all of this.

Even though having to deal with increased flare-ups has been hard and discouraging I have been doing my best to be positive and remember that God isn’t allowing me to go through this for nothing. I am just trying to smile and be thankful for what I have in spite of this situation. My friends and family have been very supportive and the community at Bethany College holds me in their prayers. This is a huge encouragement for me. I know that I can’t that do all of this on my own and I would like to ask my readers for their continued prayer and support.

I would like to thank everyone for their support and help when I am weak.

These songs by Fireflight have been an encouragement to me in times when I wonder if it is all worth it and I would like to share them with you. They are a great band and I would like to encourage you to buy their CDs.

 Recovery Begins (By Fireflight)

I talk, I talk too much
I never open up
To what You need to say
My words get in the way

I search for stillness
But worry kills it
I need to clear my head
I'm tired, I need to rest

It all comes down to this
The quiet in the end
I listen for Your voice
Recovery begins

The times I hear You most
Are when You bring me close
I'll follow as You guide
While darkness turns to light

Whisper to me, whisper to me
Whisper to me, whisper to me

All I Need To Be (By Fireflight)

Hoping with each new day
I'm moving forward, I push the fear away
And I let go
'Cause I'm so through with barely hanging on
Leaving what's in the past behind
I come closer to crossing over the line
And I won't stop
Until I get what I've been fighting for
You've said it all before

Tell me again that I am strong
Tell me again that I won't fall
I need You here to fix me where I'm wrong
Take me beyond what I can see
Break me, make me believe
You have made me all I need to be

Knowing all that I can do is be open when You start to move
In my heart
And now my God, I finally hear Your voice
You've said it all before

Who I am is all I've got
And I can't be who I am not anymore

(I am strong, make me believe)
You have made me all I need to be
(I am strong, make me believe, make me believe)

Realizations

I have been thinking about a lot this past year and one of the things that has weighed heavily on my heart and mind is the trials that I have had to deal with every day for the past ten years because of the chronic and painful physical illness that I will have to continue to deal with for the rest of my life. I have realized that over the past year I have been focusing on the negative effects that this illness has on my life and allowing them to control what I do and how I feel.

I have realized that what I should be doing is focusing on the lessons that I have learned and how living with this illness has shaped me into the person that I am. It has also strengthened my relationship with God. It has taught me that I can’t always rely on myself and that I need to be open to accepting God’s guidance and the support of those that care for me. I have realized that instead of looking at what this illness has taken from me I need to focus on what I have gained through this experience.

Through being sick I have learned to rely on God as he has allowed me to experience his grace, mercy and teach me amazing life lessons as I have walked through this difficult experience. The good that comes from having to deal with this illness doesn’t just stop with me. God has given me a story about how he walks with people through hard times and brings great things out of a seemingly impossible situation if we would only be open to looking for them and focusing on them. God has given me several opportunities to share this story with others and work through me in order to help others.

As this New Year has begun I have decided that it is very important for me to work harder to only look at the positive things that have come out of the hardships that I have to deal with and not allow myself to get caught up in being angry or depressed when I am having a harder time working through being sick.

One of the people in my life that has played a major part in helping me come back from looking at the negative impact that my illness has in my life instead of the good is my friend Rachel. I am incredibly grateful for her encouragement, advice, care and understanding that she shows me every day. I also admire the patience that she has for me when I am going through a hard time because I know that I can be very stubborn sometimes. 

I greatly respect and admire her and want to thank her for being honest and being my friend. Thank you for seeing me for the person that I really am and not just the broken exterior shell that I and rest of the world just can't seem to see past sometimes. That means so much to me. You are a great friend and one of the only friends that I have that has told me that they don't even see the sickness that hurts me every day but instead sees me for who I am as a person instead. That means more to me then I could ever put into words. I have learned that because I have been unable or maybe partly unwilling to look at myself in a positive way when I am feeling down about not being able to do many of the physical activities that other people my age should be able to do. She has helped me get back on track and into a frame of mind where I focus on the great things that I can still do with my life despite having this illness as well as the things that I am better at because of the trials that I have had to deal with because of having a chronic illness.

One thing that she told me just the other day that really hit home for me and helped me come to these realizations is; “You let your body rule you. You are not broken, your body is just the way God made it, and God doesn’t make mistakes. You let this one part of your life rule you and it shouldn’t”. This got me really thinking about why God has allowed me to experience this illness and look at the amazing things that I have experienced and learned because of it.

I guess what I would like to say is that my friend is right. I Am Not broken, God doesn’t make mistakes and I need to really work to look at the good that he has done in my life, the good he will continue to do and the good that I am able to do for others because of the experiences that he has allowed me to go through.

I still have a ways to go before I am able to get to a completely positive frame of mind but I am determined to get there. I know it's cliché but I guess this is my new year resolution.

Cheers