Yes, I said it and I mean it. I have Crohn's Disease and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I have been living with the Crohn's Disease for fifteen years and the PTSD was diagnosed six years ago (although now that I know the symptoms so well I think I have had it for much longer). Recently I was hospitalized for just over a month. Toward the end, the last few weeks were the hardest. I had doctors, the people who should have been helping me making accusations without looking at my chart. They wrote orders for their residents to not give me extra pain control medication no matter what often without bothering to come and see me themselves.
Unfortunately that wasn't even close to the hardest things that I had to go through while in that hospital; a hospital that I am afraid to go back to even if I desperately need medical attention.
The psychological effects were the worst. Much worse than hours and days in so much pain that I was starting to have a hard time telling what had really happened and what my mind made up on it's own. The doctors (for the most part) treated me like I was an experiment or just a file number. Sometimes both. I was lied to, I was accused of being a drug seeking patient (which had they looked back in my chart they would have found no evidence of such behavior). I was accused of wanting to stay in the hospital. My very clear instructions left for the doctors in order to not "trigger" my PTSD symptoms was ignored by them. Every day the nurses were the people who I looked forward to seeing and being able to talk to for a little while. It was often my only human contact until it got bad enough that my mom drove the ten hours to come be with me. I don't think I would have made it out of that place without her fighting for me, without her holding me up.
Now I am at home. At least it is the house that I call home. The problem is it doesn't feel like home. Nothing feels right. The nightmares wake me at night often. I am still regaining strength. Except the problem is that I don't feel strong. I suffer from severe anxiety more often than not. I wake up unable to move and scared. I try to find happiness in the face of all of this. I think it is the hardest thing I have ever done. I don't know if I can do it. I do know one thing though. I will keep trying....
Thanks for being vulnerable as you share your thoughts and feelings Aaron, I'm praying Philippians 4:8-9 for you right now.
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is keep trying. My daughter who was 11 spent a "surprise" 6 weeks in the hospital.. and I with her and it is a very different world, I often felt like I was in the Twilight Zone and I wasn't the one going through it. Take the love of your family, let it wrap you up and carry you if you need it (and I know there is a lot of love there). I have found for myself with my anxiety if I have no caffeine or sugar I am able to control myself better. I have also created a "spot" in my home where I do my fav things, and if I need to that is where is sometimes just sit and breathe. Sending loving thoughts to you and strength to your family.
ReplyDeletepraying for you Aaron. God promises to be with you through the most difficult times and says "fear not". Read Isaiah 43 when you have a chance. He loves you and cares for you more than anyone ever could and never accuses you or is too busy for you. He delights in you.
ReplyDeleteDear Aaron, Thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry to hear of the struggles you are facing. I pray that the presence of Jesus would be real to you and I pray for complete peace and restoration for you. I have met you a few times in Thompson. I am friends of your parents. Be encouraged in Jesus. Much love, Paul Boge
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your struggles Aaron. Praying for peace and healing. You are Loved and not alone!
ReplyDeleteHello Aaron, there is so much pain and anguish in what you have shared, as well as vulnerability and even tender hope. There are many heartaches and cruel situations in this world that we cannot begin to explain or understand. I think your situation is one of these. Nevertheless, God tells us that He works together for our good IN all things. The surprising revelation is that we are not always rescued or taken out of our circumstances but we can still find in Christ how He uses them and gives us hope where we would otherwise be hopeless. I don't know how you will find that hope in your life, I only know that you can find it, in Christ alone. As humans in a broken world we are guaranteed hardship and trials but what we do with them and where we turn is up to us. I pray your heart is able to receive all Jesus has for you so that your test becomes your testimony. Keep standing.
ReplyDeleteJulie