Yes, I said it and I mean it. I have Crohn's Disease and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I have been living with the Crohn's Disease for fifteen years and the PTSD was diagnosed six years ago (although now that I know the symptoms so well I think I have had it for much longer). Recently I was hospitalized for just over a month. Toward the end, the last few weeks were the hardest. I had doctors, the people who should have been helping me making accusations without looking at my chart. They wrote orders for their residents to not give me extra pain control medication no matter what often without bothering to come and see me themselves.
Unfortunately that wasn't even close to the hardest things that I had to go through while in that hospital; a hospital that I am afraid to go back to even if I desperately need medical attention.
The psychological effects were the worst. Much worse than hours and days in so much pain that I was starting to have a hard time telling what had really happened and what my mind made up on it's own. The doctors (for the most part) treated me like I was an experiment or just a file number. Sometimes both. I was lied to, I was accused of being a drug seeking patient (which had they looked back in my chart they would have found no evidence of such behavior). I was accused of wanting to stay in the hospital. My very clear instructions left for the doctors in order to not "trigger" my PTSD symptoms was ignored by them. Every day the nurses were the people who I looked forward to seeing and being able to talk to for a little while. It was often my only human contact until it got bad enough that my mom drove the ten hours to come be with me. I don't think I would have made it out of that place without her fighting for me, without her holding me up.
Now I am at home. At least it is the house that I call home. The problem is it doesn't feel like home. Nothing feels right. The nightmares wake me at night often. I am still regaining strength. Except the problem is that I don't feel strong. I suffer from severe anxiety more often than not. I wake up unable to move and scared. I try to find happiness in the face of all of this. I think it is the hardest thing I have ever done. I don't know if I can do it. I do know one thing though. I will keep trying....
