Why?

I'm sitting at home, driving to get groceries,  sleeping (or sleeping at work.... don't tell my boss) and then the anxiety hits. Its not just that that little bit of anxiety. This is Fight or Flight "I feel like I'm gonna die" anxiety. Yes, in a large part it has to do with the fact that I have fairly PTSD but where does the rest come from? Seriously someone tell me. At those times when the anxiety from the PTSD hits and I feel like my mind is not my own it is the most terrifying thing I have ever felt. I try to be strong and trust that God has me go through this for a reason.  The problem is I feel like I'm at my breaking point. So my question tonight is why?

Happiness vs Depression

I have been thinking thinking a lot over the past few days about how happiness and depression often seem to coincide in my life at the the same time.  For example, right now I am laying in a hospital bed in pain and I am stuck in a room that used to be used as a storage closet.  I'm not even kidding. There are no windows, the walls are a dull colour, you can see where the shelves used to hang and it is a pretty small room. Now being in this room, sick, in pain, stressed about having to miss work I am feeling depressed. I quite often want to just break down and cry or scream at a God that I have been struggling to believe is even listening. But then again there is this white board in this prison cell like room that my girlfriend drew a picture for me on. Every time I glance at this picture I smile and I am reminded of her, the joy she brings to my life, how wonderful and beautiful she is, how my life life couldn't be complete without her. Then as I am looking at this picture and thinking of Fredylyn (my girlfriend) that depression that I felt consuming me just moments ago is fading away and being replaced by happiness.

Do you understand what I am talking about now? How it seems as though depression and happiness both exist in our lives at the same time? In my experience I have noticed that it seems as though as humans we think in a way where everything is either on or off,  right or wrong. I think that by thinking this way we are over simplifying everything. Yes, right now I am in a pretty crappy situation and over the last couple days I would say that feeling depressed has been dominating my thoughts and feelings for the most part.  However, there is that glimmer of happiness and hope for a better future, a different situation, a time that is coming soon where I will break through this depression that I am feeling at the moment and that time is coming soon.

I really want to encourage others that might be going through a hard times with this post. The way that I am really trying to look at this depressing situation I am in right now is that if I need to go through this in order to gain the tools to help someone else then it is worth it.

Please feel free to leave your thoughts. I would love to know what you think.

Cheers.