We Came Together But You Left Alone And I Know How It Feels To Walk Out On Your Own

Maybe Someday I’ll See You Again And You’ll Look Me In My Eyes And Call Me Your Friend

I’m not sure why but lately I have had a lot on my mind about brokenness and being abandoned or just having people start to distance themselves from me when they start to realize just how broken I really am. I notice them start to fade away and then one day they are no longer there.

When I think about this I find myself drawn to the thought that me being sick and having a broken body and the broken emotions that come with that is the reason for people leaving. Maybe the constant pain over the past ten years and that constant reminder from that pain that I am broken plays a big part in that but at this point I’m really not sure. Maybe a part of it is that profound sense of loss that I feel from Christina passing away that has made me feel so alone. I really don’t know.

When people come into my life and hear about what I have had to live through and the constant pain and sickness that I will live with for the rest of my life I am often told that they think that I am a strong person because I haven’t given up and I know that I never will because I know that there is a reason behind me having to deal with this. To be honest right now I don’t feel strong; I feel broken, scared and somewhat lost.

I can’t even say why I felt that I needed to write this down and post it today. Maybe someone out there needed to hear this. The one thing that I have been learning through not giving up in the midst of feeling lost, scared and broken is that just because I am broken and I am reminded of that every day through physical pain that isn’t the only thing that everyone else around me sees. I have a friend that I respect and admire a lot tell me a while ago that through getting to know me she no longer sees me as someone that has this broken and often quite useless physical body but instead she sees me for who I am underneath that. Those words have made me realize that in times when I feel that all I am is broken I need to learn to see myself the way my friend does.

That is what I want to strive to see myself as right now. I want to look beyond being sick and having a broken body and see that there is still good within that can't be broken, a good that can help others.

We Came In Search Of Answers, We Left Empty Handed Again….

We Still Have Faith And Hope

When I have been looking back on my life lately I have found that I have been searching for answers. Some of the questions that I have been searching out answers for have come from me, some from my friends, my family and the world. I’m not even sure where some of these questions have come from but one thing that I do know is that in my search for answers I have come up with nothing or an answer that just creates more questions every time.

The thing that I want to talk about today is how a few of the major situations in my life have affected me and how they continue to affect my day to day life. I was diagnosed with severe Ulcerative Colitis when I was twelve years old. Through a series of doctors not taking the fact that I was a very ill twelve year old kid that was in need of proper medical care and testing in order to slow the progression of my condition down seriously and the fact that it took them several months to properly diagnose me I am now stuck with a very painful chronic illness that I will have to deal with every day for the rest of my life (as far as science and medicine are concerned).

Dealing with having any type of illness chronic or not is difficult for anyone. These difficulties don’t only include what a person can see from the outside like constant physical pain in my case, but they can also consist of emotional trauma and questioning/loss of hope and faith. One of the biggest emotional difficulties that I experience is a profound sense that I am broken and that people will leave me or I won’t be worth as much to them when they see how broken I really am. My body doesn’t work properly anymore and I have been told time and time again by doctors that it never will. I believe that part of the reason that I feel that I am broken is because our culture gives us such a high physical standard to live up to. With a body that can’t handle much physical activity at a young age I feel that when people see me and realize that my body is broken I am no longer worth as much.

One of the questions that I ask God and think about is why? I think that all of us ask him the same thing whenever we face events in our lives that are hard or just seem to be completely impossible to overcome.

The latest struggle in my life that has left me asking God why is the passing of my friend Christina in August this last summer. Christina was a bright young woman that spread the love of God wherever she went, no matter who she was with. On August 13^th, 2010 Christina passed away after a car accident while EMTs were trying to save her. There is a quote by W.S. Gilbert that reads; “Its love that makes the world go round”. If that’s true, then the world spun a little faster when Christina was in it.  I don’t understand why God let this happen and I’m not sure that I ever will in this life but what I do understand is that God doesn’t make mistakes and although things happen in our lives that we can’t begin to find answers for we need to trust that God can see further than we can and he doesn’t let us suffer for no reason, otherwise what is the point in even trying to keep going?

I guess what I am trying to say is that over the past few years of being at Bethany College while learning about God and experiencing him in the community there I have learned a lot about trusting him and being open to the changes that he wants me to make in my life and allowing him to work through me. I have learned to come to a place where I feel that I have peace about having an illness that causes me to be in pain all day every day and often forces me to spend time in the hospital. I have learned to look at my life and the suffering that comes with life in a broken and fallen world in a different way. I have seen God work in other people’s lives when I share my experiences and how he gets me through the hard times; how I wouldn’t want to and couldn’t even begin to make it through without him. In my mind I feel that if the hardships that I go through in my life are worth it if by me living through it and sharing with others can help just one person grow closer in their relationship with God or one person start a new relationship with God then I’m okay with living with this illness and this pain. I will continue to live with it for as long as God needs me to if that is what it takes right now to work in my life and the lives of others.

Christina used to say “Just because your body is broken it doesn’t mean you have to live like the rest of you is”. That is something that I need to be sure to never forget and live my life in that way.